Sometimes after a forever of hard work, your hard work and dedication pays off. Other times, it shoots you in the face. I have a lot of holes in my face.
But sometimes there are nice endings.
I'm happy to say that this chapter of my life has just been tied neatly with a beautiful ribbon. I'm so lucky to be where I am right now. Hopefully this next two year chapter will be as memorable as this past one.
The end.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Sunday, May 6, 2007
discussions
I've mentioned Melissa's role in my life several times in the few entries that I've posted. I even mentioned briefly the discussion we had the night that I found out about Romulus and Remus. She has played an instrumental role in my life for the six years we've known each other, but she has become a part of me in the past nine months where I've grown closer to her than anyone else I have ever known.
I trust Melissa with my life. In the years that I have known her, she has never betrayed my trust or been disloyal to me in any way. She is compassionate, considerate and charitable. She is loving, accepting, and open-minded. She admits that she does not excel academically, but she has an ability to gain wisdom through the experiences of others that makes her one of the most amazing people to talk to and bounce ideas off of. The light of Christ is always in her eyes, and she carries the Spirit with her at all times.
The night that I found out about Romulus and Remus, Melissa and several other close friends were over at my apartment after getting ice cream at the creamery. It was one of those nights living on campus where everyone stays until the clock says 12:01, and then you talk just outside the door for another fifteen or twenty minutes. Looking for an excuse to talk to her, I walked her and my friend Tebozile home. She knew that I wanted to talk, and she instinctively knew that it was important, she we dropped Tebozile off at her apartment and started walking.
We walked to Kiwanis, like I mentioned before. I did all of the talking initially. I mentioned her bisexual friend, I mentioned Mr. Ha, I mentioned the rampant homosexual from high school...I rattled off every experience with homosexuality that I've ever had trying to piece together what I thought of it. I was angry that homosexuality had finally entered my life substantially. Part of me knew that it was only a matter of time before people I was close to--people that I interacted with regularly--would admit to being afflicted by something like this. Being so late in my last semester before I left on a mission, it was the last thing on my mind.
And it had finally happened. I was still so much in denial during that walk...while a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my shame and embarrassment in regards to the text messages, there was so much boiling under the surface. The fact of the matter was, just like with some of the other friends I've made over the years, I felt some degree of inspiration to become friends with Romulus and Remus. I didn't know why, and I wondered afterwards whether or not it came across oddly in their perspective. In any case, I inherently knew that I was supposed to have this experience and I was supposed to learn from this, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to have to address this issue head on. I didn't know how I could possibly consider a friendship with them while putting that at the back of my mind.
The conversation switched sides completely. Melissa really kicked me past the denial, anger and frustration stages. She saw right through my shame cover-up. She knew that that certainly played a factor, but knew that I was very torn inside. She had been instrumental (and remains instrumental) in helping me figure out a friendship problem the year previous, which she pointed out was also very inspired. Had I not learned from that experience? Was I not a better person as a result of friendship, as hard as it was? And I'm not the one suffering from the attraction in the first place, so who am I to complain about experiencing this issue head on?
Her friend's bisexuality, she admitted, was hard to deal with at first. She knew deep down that she was the same girl, but it was hard to look past that initially. With time, she said, those qualities became secondary. It was something she was aware of and something she wished to help her friend with, but it was only a topic discussion when the lines were opened on the other end. She set me back on track and as I dropped her off at her apartment, she left me able to think through things rationally before I drifted off to sleep. She brought the Spirit into this issue. Coping became an issue of prayer and humility. Everything was going to work out, so long as I kept my spiritual priorities straight.
Like I mentioned before, I figured a lot of things out on that walk and that night that I lay in bed thinking. More than anything, the barrier that had instinctively been put in place between Romulus and Remus lifted completely. I dropped both of them a Facebook message, and realized that I really and truly wanted to help in any way that I could. Although I never really got that opportunity, and though their life decisions will likely be made by the time I return from my mission, I hope that to any degree, I helped them in some way. I hope I said something or made them feel something that will influence their futures for the better. I hope that I set some sort of example for them despite the age difference.
My enthusiasm and complete change of perspective is the working of Melissa in my life. Had she not talked me through those hard nights, I don't know how I would be coping with this issue right now. Her wisdom has turned me into an advocate for my gay friends. She's taught me that by being mindful of their needs and praying for them, that our friendships can grow without actual interaction. That, in turn, has brought me closer to Heavenly Father.
Being without her for a week at home before she came back was really difficult. I can't imagine two years without speaking to her about my life.
It's going to be pretty hard.
I trust Melissa with my life. In the years that I have known her, she has never betrayed my trust or been disloyal to me in any way. She is compassionate, considerate and charitable. She is loving, accepting, and open-minded. She admits that she does not excel academically, but she has an ability to gain wisdom through the experiences of others that makes her one of the most amazing people to talk to and bounce ideas off of. The light of Christ is always in her eyes, and she carries the Spirit with her at all times.
The night that I found out about Romulus and Remus, Melissa and several other close friends were over at my apartment after getting ice cream at the creamery. It was one of those nights living on campus where everyone stays until the clock says 12:01, and then you talk just outside the door for another fifteen or twenty minutes. Looking for an excuse to talk to her, I walked her and my friend Tebozile home. She knew that I wanted to talk, and she instinctively knew that it was important, she we dropped Tebozile off at her apartment and started walking.
We walked to Kiwanis, like I mentioned before. I did all of the talking initially. I mentioned her bisexual friend, I mentioned Mr. Ha, I mentioned the rampant homosexual from high school...I rattled off every experience with homosexuality that I've ever had trying to piece together what I thought of it. I was angry that homosexuality had finally entered my life substantially. Part of me knew that it was only a matter of time before people I was close to--people that I interacted with regularly--would admit to being afflicted by something like this. Being so late in my last semester before I left on a mission, it was the last thing on my mind.
And it had finally happened. I was still so much in denial during that walk...while a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my shame and embarrassment in regards to the text messages, there was so much boiling under the surface. The fact of the matter was, just like with some of the other friends I've made over the years, I felt some degree of inspiration to become friends with Romulus and Remus. I didn't know why, and I wondered afterwards whether or not it came across oddly in their perspective. In any case, I inherently knew that I was supposed to have this experience and I was supposed to learn from this, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to have to address this issue head on. I didn't know how I could possibly consider a friendship with them while putting that at the back of my mind.
The conversation switched sides completely. Melissa really kicked me past the denial, anger and frustration stages. She saw right through my shame cover-up. She knew that that certainly played a factor, but knew that I was very torn inside. She had been instrumental (and remains instrumental) in helping me figure out a friendship problem the year previous, which she pointed out was also very inspired. Had I not learned from that experience? Was I not a better person as a result of friendship, as hard as it was? And I'm not the one suffering from the attraction in the first place, so who am I to complain about experiencing this issue head on?
Her friend's bisexuality, she admitted, was hard to deal with at first. She knew deep down that she was the same girl, but it was hard to look past that initially. With time, she said, those qualities became secondary. It was something she was aware of and something she wished to help her friend with, but it was only a topic discussion when the lines were opened on the other end. She set me back on track and as I dropped her off at her apartment, she left me able to think through things rationally before I drifted off to sleep. She brought the Spirit into this issue. Coping became an issue of prayer and humility. Everything was going to work out, so long as I kept my spiritual priorities straight.
Like I mentioned before, I figured a lot of things out on that walk and that night that I lay in bed thinking. More than anything, the barrier that had instinctively been put in place between Romulus and Remus lifted completely. I dropped both of them a Facebook message, and realized that I really and truly wanted to help in any way that I could. Although I never really got that opportunity, and though their life decisions will likely be made by the time I return from my mission, I hope that to any degree, I helped them in some way. I hope I said something or made them feel something that will influence their futures for the better. I hope that I set some sort of example for them despite the age difference.
My enthusiasm and complete change of perspective is the working of Melissa in my life. Had she not talked me through those hard nights, I don't know how I would be coping with this issue right now. Her wisdom has turned me into an advocate for my gay friends. She's taught me that by being mindful of their needs and praying for them, that our friendships can grow without actual interaction. That, in turn, has brought me closer to Heavenly Father.
Being without her for a week at home before she came back was really difficult. I can't imagine two years without speaking to her about my life.
It's going to be pretty hard.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
an old friend
Part of me feels a little bit odd referring to my old teacher as a friend without qualifying it, so I'm qualifying it.
I took Music Theory with this particular teacher. The class was exceedingly small--only four people, by the end--and I took it with my best friend, who I've referred to as Melissa. I was already acquainted with this teacher's family, because I became friends with his father who was a teacher of mine in middle school whom I still visit. From the get-go, I was really looking forward to taking this class with this guy.
The class size was very conducive to open discussion. It just so happened that the four of us were all fairly intellectual and curious people, so it was actually a rare occurrance to actually talk about music theory for the entire period on any given day. We would talk about every debatable issue during that period if it was on someone's mind, or if people were tired, we would all just sleep on the floor of the classroom. Or we'd all play the piano or watch YouTube videos in Mr. Ha's (that's what I'll refer to him as!) office. It was very fun.
Now, this is a relevant story--I promise. Here's the thing: Mr. Ha was extremely effeminate and was undoubtedly gay. In fact, he's brought his boyfriend to a lot of concerts and football games and all sorts of things. He never explicitly said it to any of his students--he was very professional--but it was very evident and was quite undeniable. Obviously it didn't take away from the friendship which we all shared, because I wouldn't speak of him so fondly if it really pissed me off (and let's be honest--if this sort of thing pissed me off at this point, I'd have no friends and no older brother anymore).
It was SO obvious that he was gay. His speech implied it, his gestures and body language implied it, his sense of style and vanity implied it...which isn't to say all of these stereotypes always hold true. But this man was the stereotypical, tagged upon sight sort of people. And I REFUSED to acknowledge it. When my best friend would mention his orientation because it was relevant to something she was saying, I would stoop to his defense, calling no homo like a retarded prick. I knew homosexuality existed, obviously...I live in a generally conservative state and those sorts of words get thrown around pretty easily...but I just didn't think anyone I knew could ever be afflicted with a disease like that. Maybe not that harsh, but it wasn't something that I would have ever come to terms with.
I sat next to a girl in my physics class who, pardon my language, was a total bitch. I would assign her that nickname if she had any potential to be mentioned ever again. She was very obnoxious, very slutty, but enjoyed talking to me for some reason. One day she mentioned this teacher and another music teacher, who is apparently also gay. She said, "The reason I like them so much is they are just so homosexual!"
Captain Bob couldn't stand for that sort of thing! I remember spending the remainder of the period insisting that they were both straight, despite every modicum of common sense which resided in me. She pushed initially, but after pulling the I-know-him-as-well-as-any-student card, she eventually gave up and shrugged it off. I remember reporting to Melissa at lunch after that period the delusions of that girl, and she was like, "BOB, HE'S GAY." Still didn't click.
We avoided homosexuality as a topic of discussion during Theory...but it still came up at times. A girl in my class, whom I will refer to as...Baptist, was a total Baptist. Hardcore. In any case, she and I had a knack for arguing with each other even when we both thought the exact same thing. We ended up having a gay marriage discussion which ended up being fairly awkward because 1) Melissa was better friend's with Mr. Ha, so she didn't want to say anything to make him feel uncomfortable, 2) Saduko (the other one of the four) really didn't have an opinion, and 3) Mr. Ha didn't want to chime in because I'm sure it was an issue close to his heart. Regardless, it just ended. When the class ended and I left, Melissa followed me out which she rarely did because I always ran out of school and she always met other friends. She totally called me out.
"What the heck was that? Do you know how awkward that must have been for him? How could you do something like that?" And all sorts of other really biting questions that I deserved hearing.
It was only at that point that I finally came to terms with the fact that homosexuality could affect people that I'm close to. It was kind of a harsh reality after my limited experience I'd had with it before. But it finally clicked, and it didn't affect my friendship with him at all for the rest of the year extending to now.
It was kind of a blessing, looking back.
I took Music Theory with this particular teacher. The class was exceedingly small--only four people, by the end--and I took it with my best friend, who I've referred to as Melissa. I was already acquainted with this teacher's family, because I became friends with his father who was a teacher of mine in middle school whom I still visit. From the get-go, I was really looking forward to taking this class with this guy.
The class size was very conducive to open discussion. It just so happened that the four of us were all fairly intellectual and curious people, so it was actually a rare occurrance to actually talk about music theory for the entire period on any given day. We would talk about every debatable issue during that period if it was on someone's mind, or if people were tired, we would all just sleep on the floor of the classroom. Or we'd all play the piano or watch YouTube videos in Mr. Ha's (that's what I'll refer to him as!) office. It was very fun.
Now, this is a relevant story--I promise. Here's the thing: Mr. Ha was extremely effeminate and was undoubtedly gay. In fact, he's brought his boyfriend to a lot of concerts and football games and all sorts of things. He never explicitly said it to any of his students--he was very professional--but it was very evident and was quite undeniable. Obviously it didn't take away from the friendship which we all shared, because I wouldn't speak of him so fondly if it really pissed me off (and let's be honest--if this sort of thing pissed me off at this point, I'd have no friends and no older brother anymore).
It was SO obvious that he was gay. His speech implied it, his gestures and body language implied it, his sense of style and vanity implied it...which isn't to say all of these stereotypes always hold true. But this man was the stereotypical, tagged upon sight sort of people. And I REFUSED to acknowledge it. When my best friend would mention his orientation because it was relevant to something she was saying, I would stoop to his defense, calling no homo like a retarded prick. I knew homosexuality existed, obviously...I live in a generally conservative state and those sorts of words get thrown around pretty easily...but I just didn't think anyone I knew could ever be afflicted with a disease like that. Maybe not that harsh, but it wasn't something that I would have ever come to terms with.
I sat next to a girl in my physics class who, pardon my language, was a total bitch. I would assign her that nickname if she had any potential to be mentioned ever again. She was very obnoxious, very slutty, but enjoyed talking to me for some reason. One day she mentioned this teacher and another music teacher, who is apparently also gay. She said, "The reason I like them so much is they are just so homosexual!"
Captain Bob couldn't stand for that sort of thing! I remember spending the remainder of the period insisting that they were both straight, despite every modicum of common sense which resided in me. She pushed initially, but after pulling the I-know-him-as-well-as-any-student card, she eventually gave up and shrugged it off. I remember reporting to Melissa at lunch after that period the delusions of that girl, and she was like, "BOB, HE'S GAY." Still didn't click.
We avoided homosexuality as a topic of discussion during Theory...but it still came up at times. A girl in my class, whom I will refer to as...Baptist, was a total Baptist. Hardcore. In any case, she and I had a knack for arguing with each other even when we both thought the exact same thing. We ended up having a gay marriage discussion which ended up being fairly awkward because 1) Melissa was better friend's with Mr. Ha, so she didn't want to say anything to make him feel uncomfortable, 2) Saduko (the other one of the four) really didn't have an opinion, and 3) Mr. Ha didn't want to chime in because I'm sure it was an issue close to his heart. Regardless, it just ended. When the class ended and I left, Melissa followed me out which she rarely did because I always ran out of school and she always met other friends. She totally called me out.
"What the heck was that? Do you know how awkward that must have been for him? How could you do something like that?" And all sorts of other really biting questions that I deserved hearing.
It was only at that point that I finally came to terms with the fact that homosexuality could affect people that I'm close to. It was kind of a harsh reality after my limited experience I'd had with it before. But it finally clicked, and it didn't affect my friendship with him at all for the rest of the year extending to now.
It was kind of a blessing, looking back.
Monday, April 30, 2007
hilarity
Me
Cousin Insane
Me
Cousin Insane
Me
Me
Cousin Insane
Me: since it's not like she lives near any friends
Cousin Insane: actually now she lives in the same ward boundaries as [Romulus and Remus]
Me
Cousin Insane
Me
Cousin Insane
Me
Me
Cousin Insane: or both
Cousin Insane
1) I love cousin insane because sometimes he misses my blatant sarcasm
2) I love cousin insane becuse he doesn't know I used to hang out with the lot of them all the time
3) I can appreciate the humor when I didn't know about anyone because situations like these are absolutely freaking hi-larious
4) I wonder if any girl has ever eloped with two brothers at the same time
1) I love cousin insane because sometimes he misses my blatant sarcasm
2) I love cousin insane becuse he doesn't know I used to hang out with the lot of them all the time
3) I can appreciate the humor when I didn't know about anyone because situations like these are absolutely freaking hi-larious
4) I wonder if any girl has ever eloped with two brothers at the same time
discussion
Dear friends,
I get to talk about today! That means I don't have to take a page out of my limited book of past experiences. This will, in turn, extend this blogging experience. Good times.
Today was church at home, which was mild to moderately lame as hell. Which isn't to say that everyone in my home ward is damned, but honestly...it was really boring. Three hours in a family ward is like three hours of swallowing live eels, only a little less slimy and a little more noisy.
In any case, my dad and I are hometeaching companions and we happen to hometeach my old best friend's family. I say old because he's a total turdwad when I give him multiple chances at redeeming himself, and yet I feel, much like Salad with Drex without the most likely getting married part, that I'm not allowed to give up quite yet. Apparently there's something there that needs to be done with my help. Pesky Spirit.
Anyway, after our little do-you-remember-conference lesson and talking about college (I likened my grades this semester to drinking dog urine, which is a little better than the eating dog poop of last semester), my mission call, and two of their's being on missions, we went to eat ice cream in their dining room, which is actually more like the kitchen with an eating area.
For some reason or another, we started talking about homosexuality. I know this family as well as anyone, and I was mildly concerned that they were as conservative on this issue as anyone else. It turns out...they're actually very open-minded about Mormons struggling with SSA. Which was a relief. I mentioned that I had a bunch of gay Mormon friends, and that I'd found out about eight by the time I'd gotten home (all the while, beating around the my-brother-is-gay bush, and dad not saying anything to avoid any incrimination). I mentioned the honor code changes in passing, and they asked what all was changed. I explained it, and they were, "glad that BYU was making some strides to figure [it] out."
They started asking me other questions--do my friends practice? did they go on missions? A bunch of assorted things. I eventually said that, given my current perception, it wouldn't surprise me if it afflicted at least 10% of the male population. All or most of them are awesome people, many of them returned missionaries and occasionally married in the temple. I look up to a lot of them. Even though I only know about ten or so by name, the group that I'm aware of is rather diverse when it comes to behavior and actions, so I was able to discuss a pretty broad range of situations and demographics. It was a good discussion.
The conversation took another turn when they mentioned a stake priesthood meeting they'd had the week before where they finally confronted the issue of pornography head-on, saying that they couldn't continue to go around the issue any longer. I mentioned how widespread I knew it was, even in my freshman ward last semester, and they seemed so shocked. I dunno, I suppose now is different than the world they grew up in. At that priesthood meeting, they'd said that 100% of the youth have at least encountered pornography at some point, and some parents were shocked by that.
The world we live in is changing. My mother always wonders out loud, sometimes in lieu of Drex and sometimes in other circumstances: "Has it always been that prevalent, or is the world changing?" It's my belief that the world is changing. Pornography is a "recent development" in this world, and now it's an epidemic among the men of the church. Same-sex attraction, although I feel like there must be influencing factors at birth, is being brought to the surface by the Devil himself to try and bring some of God's finest children down to the depths of misery and sin.
Talking to that family today really reiterated to me how passionate I am about this issue now--I can't stand hearing people who haven't had it hit close to them brush it off as a choice that is subject to instant damnation. I really and truly care about my close friends who are afflicted by it--who do you think you are, talking down to the people I pray for most fervently?
They'll probably understand someday, when a brother or son of their own finally decides they can't bottle it up anymore. Then we'll see where they stand.
This may or may not be an embittered Bob lashing out at the anti-gay world.
I get to talk about today! That means I don't have to take a page out of my limited book of past experiences. This will, in turn, extend this blogging experience. Good times.
Today was church at home, which was mild to moderately lame as hell. Which isn't to say that everyone in my home ward is damned, but honestly...it was really boring. Three hours in a family ward is like three hours of swallowing live eels, only a little less slimy and a little more noisy.
In any case, my dad and I are hometeaching companions and we happen to hometeach my old best friend's family. I say old because he's a total turdwad when I give him multiple chances at redeeming himself, and yet I feel, much like Salad with Drex without the most likely getting married part, that I'm not allowed to give up quite yet. Apparently there's something there that needs to be done with my help. Pesky Spirit.
Anyway, after our little do-you-remember-conference lesson and talking about college (I likened my grades this semester to drinking dog urine, which is a little better than the eating dog poop of last semester), my mission call, and two of their's being on missions, we went to eat ice cream in their dining room, which is actually more like the kitchen with an eating area.
For some reason or another, we started talking about homosexuality. I know this family as well as anyone, and I was mildly concerned that they were as conservative on this issue as anyone else. It turns out...they're actually very open-minded about Mormons struggling with SSA. Which was a relief. I mentioned that I had a bunch of gay Mormon friends, and that I'd found out about eight by the time I'd gotten home (all the while, beating around the my-brother-is-gay bush, and dad not saying anything to avoid any incrimination). I mentioned the honor code changes in passing, and they asked what all was changed. I explained it, and they were, "glad that BYU was making some strides to figure [it] out."
They started asking me other questions--do my friends practice? did they go on missions? A bunch of assorted things. I eventually said that, given my current perception, it wouldn't surprise me if it afflicted at least 10% of the male population. All or most of them are awesome people, many of them returned missionaries and occasionally married in the temple. I look up to a lot of them. Even though I only know about ten or so by name, the group that I'm aware of is rather diverse when it comes to behavior and actions, so I was able to discuss a pretty broad range of situations and demographics. It was a good discussion.
The conversation took another turn when they mentioned a stake priesthood meeting they'd had the week before where they finally confronted the issue of pornography head-on, saying that they couldn't continue to go around the issue any longer. I mentioned how widespread I knew it was, even in my freshman ward last semester, and they seemed so shocked. I dunno, I suppose now is different than the world they grew up in. At that priesthood meeting, they'd said that 100% of the youth have at least encountered pornography at some point, and some parents were shocked by that.
The world we live in is changing. My mother always wonders out loud, sometimes in lieu of Drex and sometimes in other circumstances: "Has it always been that prevalent, or is the world changing?" It's my belief that the world is changing. Pornography is a "recent development" in this world, and now it's an epidemic among the men of the church. Same-sex attraction, although I feel like there must be influencing factors at birth, is being brought to the surface by the Devil himself to try and bring some of God's finest children down to the depths of misery and sin.
Talking to that family today really reiterated to me how passionate I am about this issue now--I can't stand hearing people who haven't had it hit close to them brush it off as a choice that is subject to instant damnation. I really and truly care about my close friends who are afflicted by it--who do you think you are, talking down to the people I pray for most fervently?
They'll probably understand someday, when a brother or son of their own finally decides they can't bottle it up anymore. Then we'll see where they stand.
This may or may not be an embittered Bob lashing out at the anti-gay world.
Friday, April 27, 2007
where to start?
I suppose it's time for me to finally start pouring my thoughts into a blog, both for my benefit and possibly for the benefit of others. This blog isn't going to be like every other MoHo blog, because I'm not a MoHo. This is just an alternate perspective from someone who has interacted with many awesome people suffering from SSA who...well, who's starting to finally make judgment calls about life through his own experiences.
I suppose the best place to start is when I found out about my first friends.
The events that took place are perhaps some of the most ironic that have ever occurred, and that's hardly an understatement. Really. Give me a second to research some of Drex's friend/relative nyms so that I keep everyone straight (pun partially intended).
Alright.
It all started one fateful night in the Cougareat. I don't remember who I was waiting for, but I was waiting for someone. Probably my roommate and good friend, Borderline. I call him that because he's partially tagged in my book, at this point, though I think he'd be bi if he wasn't straight altogether. This is all moot, though.
When sitting down with my food, I happened to spot my cousin Mulan's good friend, Romulus, who at the time I thought was a significant romantic interest for her. I thought the feeling was mutual on his part. Upon spotting him, I called his name and waved hello since he was only two tables away. He looked over, somewhat nervous upon spotting me, waved back, and then went back into a quiet discussion with his friend, whom I will call Minami. Immediately, I reached for my phone and texted Mulan close to these exact words, since I don't see he or his brother very often. I hope she and Salad vouch for this.
"Romulus is sitting with a boy. They're talking quietly. I think he's gay."
ALL tongue in cheek because I think they (Mulan and Romulus) are dating*. I even used boy to sound extra dramatic and retarded. She responds asking what he's doing, and I come out with this:
"He waved hello and then started whispering in softer tones with his lover. Disgusting."
Allegedly, Mulan and Remus completely lost it in the apartment, and when Salad returned home later that evening and was shown the texts, much laughter was shared. Justifiably so. The only reason I continued with that entire joke was because I thought there was humor in the fact that it was so ridiculous and impossible that you'd have to laugh. I suppose I ended up being funny in the end regardless of why, so I'll take the credit and move on with the story.
Now, if I was a judgmental person (I'm totally not), I probably would have tagged Romulus and Remus as questionable but not undeniable. If I was asked point blank where I thought they stood, I probably would have raised an eyebrow but not have had any definitive opinion. I didn't really make this analysis until a few days later, after Salad sat me down at the kitchen table the day following my texting disaster right after my brother had left the apartment.
"Honey, he wants you to know that he's not offended and he actually thinks it's pretty hilarious, but Romulus is gay."
I'd posted on both of their facebook walls over the past few days, so I thought she was extending the joke into the real world, which is generally very funny in my mind. "Yeah, I figured, after all the facebook comments and stuff..."
"Yeah, Remus is gay too. They're not offended, but I thought you should know."
The serious nature of Salad's countenance was pretty impressive, I must say. She couldn't keep that straight a face for two seconds if she wasn't completely seri-
"...holy crap, you're serious, aren't you?"
"I'm being dead serious right now."
"...wow."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The shock at that point was mostly the irony and shame. Putting the pieces together and understanding how many times I'd humiliated myself was really the thing that had gotten to me at that point. The real shock and coping came several hours later after I'd returned to my apartment and gone out for ice cream with some friends. When we were all walking home, I asked my best friend if she'd take a walk with me.
My best friend, whom I will call Melissa, had her good friend come out to her last year. She took the news very well, and only felt uncomfortable when her friend would talk about how attractive she was. Kinda weird. In any case, she seemed like the optimum person to speak to, since we're extremely close and because she'd had some experience with this before.
We went on a walk to Kiwanis for over an hour, mostly with my trying to put things together in my mind. My experience with homosexuality for the other years of my life had been a promiscuous creep in high school for two years and an article in Newsweek that I'll probably talk about in another entry. It was all very distant from me. Romulus and Remus' "dark secret" was one of the most shocking announcements that I've ever received, and it shook everything in my life for about a week. I figured out a lot of things about life.
There were a few fundamentals that really became pronounced during that walk.
1) Just because you're completely awesome doesn't mean you're straight.
2) Gay people DO serve missions, and they CAN do great things.
3) I can be great friends with gay people.
4) I really want to help these kids.
5) Damn, I'm blessed.
When I got home that night, I felt much more relaxed. I had no idea what I was in for the next month, but I figured a lot of things about that night. I'll probably talk about my notorious mindless stupor the following morning in another entry. In any case, upon returning home, I sent Romulus a facebook message. Since he and his brother hadn't been present when I'd found out, I thought I'd let them know that I knew and how I felt about it.
I basically said that I knew, and that I supported them. I told them that even though we weren't the best of friends, even though I'm a premissionary that's three years younger than them, and even though I make myself out to be a random and retarded goofball, that I'd always be willing to listen and help in any way I could. I said that I'm not one to feel uncomfortable--I've talked a fair number of friends through masturbation and pornography addictions--and that if they ever wanted to talk about something that only a guy would understand, that I'd want to be there for them. I sent the message and went to sleep.
I've grown a lot since then, and that was only about two months ago. I've learned a lot about people. I realize that there's not that much to say sometimes, but that the best way I can help is to be an awesome friend. I try to do that, though I think I fail sometimes. Homosexuality or same-sex attraction issues aren't generally things that are talked through to straight friends, and I've come to terms with that, but I can still be there for people. Even though I'm going on a mission in a few months, there's still help to offer from a distant ocean paradise. And there's always prayer.
What an eventful last two months.
I suppose the best place to start is when I found out about my first friends.
The events that took place are perhaps some of the most ironic that have ever occurred, and that's hardly an understatement. Really. Give me a second to research some of Drex's friend/relative nyms so that I keep everyone straight (pun partially intended).
Alright.
It all started one fateful night in the Cougareat. I don't remember who I was waiting for, but I was waiting for someone. Probably my roommate and good friend, Borderline. I call him that because he's partially tagged in my book, at this point, though I think he'd be bi if he wasn't straight altogether. This is all moot, though.
When sitting down with my food, I happened to spot my cousin Mulan's good friend, Romulus, who at the time I thought was a significant romantic interest for her. I thought the feeling was mutual on his part. Upon spotting him, I called his name and waved hello since he was only two tables away. He looked over, somewhat nervous upon spotting me, waved back, and then went back into a quiet discussion with his friend, whom I will call Minami. Immediately, I reached for my phone and texted Mulan close to these exact words, since I don't see he or his brother very often. I hope she and Salad vouch for this.
"Romulus is sitting with a boy. They're talking quietly. I think he's gay."
ALL tongue in cheek because I think they (Mulan and Romulus) are dating*. I even used boy to sound extra dramatic and retarded. She responds asking what he's doing, and I come out with this:
"He waved hello and then started whispering in softer tones with his lover. Disgusting."
Allegedly, Mulan and Remus completely lost it in the apartment, and when Salad returned home later that evening and was shown the texts, much laughter was shared. Justifiably so. The only reason I continued with that entire joke was because I thought there was humor in the fact that it was so ridiculous and impossible that you'd have to laugh. I suppose I ended up being funny in the end regardless of why, so I'll take the credit and move on with the story.
Now, if I was a judgmental person (I'm totally not), I probably would have tagged Romulus and Remus as questionable but not undeniable. If I was asked point blank where I thought they stood, I probably would have raised an eyebrow but not have had any definitive opinion. I didn't really make this analysis until a few days later, after Salad sat me down at the kitchen table the day following my texting disaster right after my brother had left the apartment.
"Honey, he wants you to know that he's not offended and he actually thinks it's pretty hilarious, but Romulus is gay."
I'd posted on both of their facebook walls over the past few days, so I thought she was extending the joke into the real world, which is generally very funny in my mind. "Yeah, I figured, after all the facebook comments and stuff..."
"Yeah, Remus is gay too. They're not offended, but I thought you should know."
The serious nature of Salad's countenance was pretty impressive, I must say. She couldn't keep that straight a face for two seconds if she wasn't completely seri-
"...holy crap, you're serious, aren't you?"
"I'm being dead serious right now."
"...wow."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
The shock at that point was mostly the irony and shame. Putting the pieces together and understanding how many times I'd humiliated myself was really the thing that had gotten to me at that point. The real shock and coping came several hours later after I'd returned to my apartment and gone out for ice cream with some friends. When we were all walking home, I asked my best friend if she'd take a walk with me.
My best friend, whom I will call Melissa, had her good friend come out to her last year. She took the news very well, and only felt uncomfortable when her friend would talk about how attractive she was. Kinda weird. In any case, she seemed like the optimum person to speak to, since we're extremely close and because she'd had some experience with this before.
We went on a walk to Kiwanis for over an hour, mostly with my trying to put things together in my mind. My experience with homosexuality for the other years of my life had been a promiscuous creep in high school for two years and an article in Newsweek that I'll probably talk about in another entry. It was all very distant from me. Romulus and Remus' "dark secret" was one of the most shocking announcements that I've ever received, and it shook everything in my life for about a week. I figured out a lot of things about life.
There were a few fundamentals that really became pronounced during that walk.
1) Just because you're completely awesome doesn't mean you're straight.
2) Gay people DO serve missions, and they CAN do great things.
3) I can be great friends with gay people.
4) I really want to help these kids.
5) Damn, I'm blessed.
When I got home that night, I felt much more relaxed. I had no idea what I was in for the next month, but I figured a lot of things about that night. I'll probably talk about my notorious mindless stupor the following morning in another entry. In any case, upon returning home, I sent Romulus a facebook message. Since he and his brother hadn't been present when I'd found out, I thought I'd let them know that I knew and how I felt about it.
I basically said that I knew, and that I supported them. I told them that even though we weren't the best of friends, even though I'm a premissionary that's three years younger than them, and even though I make myself out to be a random and retarded goofball, that I'd always be willing to listen and help in any way I could. I said that I'm not one to feel uncomfortable--I've talked a fair number of friends through masturbation and pornography addictions--and that if they ever wanted to talk about something that only a guy would understand, that I'd want to be there for them. I sent the message and went to sleep.
I've grown a lot since then, and that was only about two months ago. I've learned a lot about people. I realize that there's not that much to say sometimes, but that the best way I can help is to be an awesome friend. I try to do that, though I think I fail sometimes. Homosexuality or same-sex attraction issues aren't generally things that are talked through to straight friends, and I've come to terms with that, but I can still be there for people. Even though I'm going on a mission in a few months, there's still help to offer from a distant ocean paradise. And there's always prayer.
What an eventful last two months.
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